Mister Congeniality
by majinga
Summary: The search is on for the face of Gotei 13. See who deserves to be Soul Society's image model after a series of events and tests.
1. Chapter 1

**Author:** majinga

**Story Title: **Mr. Congeniality

**Fandom: **Bleach

**Credits: **I would like to thank three people for making the publish of this story possible. For the plot and story, snowprince808 (the story is our brainchild)... for the grammatical corrections,added pun and what-have-you's, Inutori and charz. the. manga. alchemist . Without these three, all ideas could have gone to waste.

**A/N: **1. I'm nothing but a lowly Bleach fan who thought of borrowing Tite Kubo's creations without any permission

2. The one you're about to read is a Humor fic. Romance is merely a side-dish to this full-course meal.

3. pairings... hmmm.... GinxRan was indicated but there are still others... I won't tell you who they are... just read on to find out...

4. I hereby end my rambling and bid ye all to ENJOY!

* * *

CHAPTER 1

They were simply bored. On a warm afternoon like this, who wouldn't be? None of the captains were listening as the Captain-Commander discussed the latest mandate received from Central 46 and what future plans and actions would be. All present had unrelated things clouding their minds. Not that it mattered, since listening and taking notes was their lieutenants' jobs anyway.

Soi Fong was thinking of other ways to improve Suzumebachi so that she could finally defeat her master.

Gin Ichimaru was counting in his head how many trays of persimmon he left out in the orchard to dry.

Retsu Unohana had perfected sleeping with her eyes wide open, and seemingly attentive to onlookers, so that she could peacefully enjoy her beauty sleep.

Sousuke Aizen, mentally debating whom among the arrancars could he use for his reverse experiment (shinigami-fication), was humming Musetta's Waltz.

The Calligraphy Club Meeting and Shinigami Women's Association Meeting were being held simultaneously later on, leaving Byakuya Kuchiki trying to determine how he could be in two places at once. Foregoing either meeting was inexcusable, despite his obvious lack of certain Women's Association membership qualifications; it was his duty to attend when Rukia could not.

It was a hard choice Sajin Komamura mulled over during the captain's meeting: what leash would better suit his gigai. Brightly colored? Or perhaps diamond studded? There were just so many possibilities.

Shunsui Kyoraku dreams were occupied by a certain captain who was also catching some shut-eye, though in a much less obvious manner than he could manage.

On his last trip to the real world, Kaname Tousen had bought another pair of Ray-Ban shades, and he was trying to recall where he left them.

Toushirou Hitsugaya grumbled quietly under his breath as he tried to decide which of the ten growth vitamins he ordered should he take first.

Kenpachi Zaraki was grinning to himself as his inner mind theatre entertained him. A scene of him simultaneously battling and defeating both Byakuya and Ichigo played in his head over and over again.

With the captain commander rambling as he was, Mayuri Kurotsuchi focused narrow eyes on the old man and analyzed how much of his latest silencing drug should be used. He also couldn't help but calculate how long said dosage was going to be affective.

Juushirou Ukitake tried to remember where he had moved his stash of sweets and junk food to avoid discovery when Kiyone and Sentarou raided his room.

Had the captain commander not noticed the inattentive squad captains, the meeting may have ended without a hitch. The problem was that Genyuusai Yamamoto was _well_ aware of everything happening around him: he _knew_ that the captains weren't paying attention. All were physically present, to be certain, but mentally they were without a doubt absent.

The captain's were snapped out of their own worlds when the old man slammed his staff on the wooden floor with a thunderous explosion. "Has anyone one of you heard a word I was saying?" he asked forcefully, regarding each of the guilty-looking captains in turn. They all looked down to the floor as soon as their commander's eyes met theirs.

Nanao Ise, the lieutenant of the seventh division, cleared her throat to draw all eyes her direction and spoke up, "May I answer on behalf of my captain, Sotaichou?"

He just stared at her for a moment before nodding.

"As you were saying, the Soul Society needs someone to be a model we can all look up to, preferably a male shinigami, who can also be the image of the Gotei thirteen. He should be superior in all aspects; smart, good-looking, skilful, and have a special talent. Aside from those, he should be good in dealing with people. He should also be hardworking and dedicated to his job.

"The chosen shinigami will promote peace, discipline, and tolerance throughout the Soul Society. It will be his duty to strengthen ties and relations with our allies while also willingly offer to open peace-talks with rebels and our enemies."

With the exception of Yamamoto, all of the captains' mouths fell open in astonishment, still trying to assimilate what they just heard. Heads eventually turned to Byakuya, their expectant looks drilling into him. Of all the male shinigamis, he's the one who stood out as possessing all of the qualities the Commander-Captain was looking for.

"I do not associate with people unnecessarily," he reminded the group sharply. Faces around the room fell; he was right, as was usual for him. The sixth division captain was known for his haughty and condescending behaviors. A man like him would have a hard time gaining the trust or support of the general public and likely even be killed (or at least someone would attempt to kill him) for his being aristocratic.

Byakuya nixed off the list of prospects, they all turned to the fifth division captain. "How about you, Aizen-taichou? Would you accept the position?" He was what people would call _muy-simpatico_ with his gentle, fatherly aura; it made people who didn't know better trust him completely and unconditionally.

The man thought on the prospect for a while, weighing it against his own devices. If he took this job then he would have less time to spend on his research and delay his timetable. "Forgive me, sotaichou, but I have more work than I can handle right now." He would not waste time he didn't have to.

Their faces fell once more. Two captains had already declined the job. All of them tried to think hard of another perfect candidate. Ukitake was sickly, Kyoraku just loved to lay on his back drinking booze all day, and Komamura's inhuman nature could potentially scare citizens despite his kind and gentle manner.

Everyone glanced at Gin, who just stood silently, smiling so broadly that his eyes were almost shut in rainbow-like shapes (as usual). With his looks and skills, he could be a good candidate…if only he didn't smile so uncannily. There was something eerie about his smile which put people on edge around him. So considering that, he was already out of the question.

Soi Fon spoke up. "With all due respect, sotaichou, I suggest that we hold a contest for this, like a search for someone worthy of the position." Under her breath she added, "Since we couldn't think of anyone..."

Refreshed from her nap (which ended when Yamamoto had his cane-stomping fit), Unohana joined in cheerfully, "Yes, I agree. It could be a pageant wherein candidates would showcase their wit, talent, and good looks."

Murmurs rippled through those gathered, anticipation building as the idea of a contest saturated their minds.

"Since we're looking for someone who'll represent our ideal person, then it should be democratic. Anyone from the thirteen squads can nominate and vote for whoever they want." Tousen suggested when the Captain-Commander didn't immediately disregard the possibility of a contest.

Yamamoto thought for a while. "Hmmm….That sounds good. Perhaps, to encourage participation, we can afford to give out some sort of prize to the winner and his squad. He will be given the title…Mr. Congeniality.

"I shall assign the planning to all high-ranking female officers now present. Project proposals for this contest need to be on my desk tomorrow by noon."

"Hai!" The females chorused loudly, their eyes glinting mischievously. Ideas bounced frantically around in their heads as to what the contest was going to look like. This was their opportunity, as all silently acknowledged, to strike back at those male officers who too often looked down on them.

"As for the men…participation is mandatory for all nominated candidates, so prepare now. This will be by popular choice, and none of you can refuse the title if you are elected."

* * *

Shortly after the officers' meeting concluded, the women gathered in an empty room to discuss their new project. Several had already shared ideas about the contest and had quickly discovered just how much work they were in for.

"This is too troublesome," Rangiku Matsumoto complained loudly while adjusting her robes. "That damned snooty noble should have accepted the job and spared everyone the trouble."

"I'm sure he has his reasons…" Unohana tentatively reasoned.

"He's really handsome, talented, and already has a following. Good chance he'll win the competition hands down…" Nemu told everyone. Her expression took on a wistful touch, looking past the other girls.

"Ano…aren't you already dating that Quincy Boy?" Isane asked, mildly confused by the contradiction that was plainly evident.

"It's not right to pry, Isane," the fourth captain reprimanded.

"It's also not right to notice other men when you've already got one, Kurotsuchi-fukutaichou." Both girls just blushed.

"Why didn't sotaichou offer the spot to Ken-chan? He's as nice and twice as good as Byakun," Yachiru voiced her wonder aloud, apparently still mystified by the matter.

Before anybody could react or say something to rebut Yachiru's statement, Soi Fong called the meeting to order. "Look, I still have mountains of work to do today, so let's just start planning and get this over with quickly." She started scribbling on the white board and shaking the others for suggestions (of the feasible variety, as Yachiru's death-match suggestions were unanimously vetoed).

* * *

By the following week, the announcement for the contest was already out. There were advertisements in the latest issue of Seireitei Weekly and posters scattered everywhere which read:

**Search for Mr. Congeniality**

Open to All Male Shinigami

Register All Nominations Outside 1st Division Headquarters

_Prizes:_

1,000,000 yen (tax-free)

10-Day All Expense Paid Trip to Hawaii, Gigai Included (with 4 other friends)

One Month Unlimited Spa & Massage (for whole squad)

All-Night Party, including food, beverage, & entertainment (for whole squad)

* * *

A/A/N (added author's notes):

whew! that concludes the first chapter... no lovey-dovey ginxran moments yet... allow the story to develop and you'll see....

now, kindly click the button below and tell me what you think. ^___^


	2. Chapter 2

**Author:** majinga

**Story Title: **Mr. Congeniality

**Fandom: **Bleach

**A/N: **A million thanks to those who read, reviewed and added my story on their alert list ^___^

My apologies for the delay of the 2nd chapter. i had to find my scratch then reconstruct and retype the whole thing since i lost all my files when our computer crashed. it might also take me awhile before I fet the next one up. But I assure everyone, i'll do my best to update soon.

Once again, i would like to thank Chars for the beta-read. _Thanks for making time despite your busy schedule..._

Without further ado, I present to you chapter 2 of Mr. Congeniality...

_^_______^_

CHAPTER 2

In Soul Society's history, this was the first time that all officers from the 13 Guard Squads, ranked or otherwise, gathered for a general assembly. They were all in the ceremonial grounds, waiting for the Commander Captain to make an appearance. On that day, he was about to announce the ten male Shinigami who got the most nominations.

Finally, Yamamoto emerged from his office and stood on the balcony, before the people.

"Your votes were tallied and here are our ten finalists... Come up when I read your name."

"Sousuke Aizen... Shunsui Kyoraku... Shuuhei Hisagi..."

The crowd cheered as their respective captains (and vice-captain in the case of the 9th squad) _shunpo-ed _to the stage.

"Sajin Komamura... Byakuya Kuchiki... Toushirou Hitsugaya..."

When the 10th captain's name was called, Rangiku hugged him tightly. This caused his face to get buried between her watermelon-sized bosoms.

"I…can't…breathe…" Hitsugaya complained, his voice muffled.

"Juushiro Ukitake... Gin Ichimaru... Kenpachi Zaraki..."

Before he called the last name that would complete the roster, the old man paused awhile, for added suspense and because he himself couldn't believe what was written on the list.

"Renji Abarai!"

Everybody was surprised, even the red-haired lieutenant. He looked to his captain to see if he was displeased with the idea of going against one of his subordinates. But obviously, Byakuya didn't care. The guy just stared straight ahead, chin held high.

Renji _shunpo-ed_to the stage, though still perplexed. All the while he thought that his fellow Shinigami only knew him as Byakuya's latest lieutenant.

* * *

Almost every squad had a representative, except for three; the 2nd, 4th and 12th divisions.

Staring bitterly and enviously at each of the men on the balcony, Marechiyo Omaeda stood with his squad.

"Why didn't anybody bother to nominate me?" He demanded of his subordinates, who were all unsure of how to answer without offending their lieutenant.

"Some nerve you have!" Soi Fon snorted, standing a few paces away. "Look at yourself in the mirror. An tell it straight to my face if you deserve to be with those guys u p there."

She challenged as she eyed him disgustedly. "It's better for the squad not to have any representatives than to be represented by the likes of you."

"You're being harsh, Taichou." Omaeda whined.

With a come-hither motion of the finger, she bid him to come closer. The captain leaned as if to whisper something, but before he knew it he was already on the ground howling in pain. In her irritation, the captain gave him a hard kick on the shin.

Mayuri rolled his eyes in annoyance. He couldn't wait to get back to his dark, funny smelling laboratory which he calls his sanctuary. If there was one thing the guy hated so much, it was wasting his precious time on something as 'foolish' as the upcoming, as he would like to call, male beauty pageant.

He was irritated that everyone was making such a big fuss about the event, alright. But the fact that he wasn't in the top ten bothered him most. He felt insulted. It pricked his ego to see that he was the only captain (aside from blind Tousen) who wasn't in the competition.

None of the fourth squad members minded that they had no one to represent them. They had been so busy for the past few days, running errands and healing the injured, that they couldn't afford to lose a member.

But Yasochika Iemura, the highest ranking male officer in the squad, didn't share the same thoughts.

Underneath a tree, the third-seat officer sulked as he narrated whatever he was writing on his journal. "They didn't even consider me… I could have represented and brought honor to the squad. What did they see in Hisagi-san, and most specially Abarai-san? I am twice the man they are."

* * *

Later that day, things seemed to have gone back to normal. But the tension and rivalry among the squads were already starting. And as early as then, some of the captains were already getting ready for the actual contest. While the two vice-captains still hadn't gotten over the surprise of being nominated.

---

"Congratulations, man!" Ikkaku said to Renji, when he saw him on his way to the 11th squad barracks where the others were celebrating Kenpachi's nomination. "But don't you dare think you stand a chance with our captain." He added flashing his best intimidating grin.

The other guy just shrugged. "I'm not sure I want to go up against Kuchiki-Taichou or any of the captains for that matter. Not in this competition wherein contestants shall be judged based on looks and charm."

"But I thought you have always wanted to beat him? Then this is your chance, regardless of the circumstance. Apparently, you're in that spot because you're as popular as him." Voice barely above a whisper, he coaxed. "And I honestly think that pompous bastard needs a blow to his ego."

_"I do recall telling you that, but I want to vanquish him using my sword-fighting skills and nothing else."_

Ikkaku just smirked, thinking to himself, '_Tsk... you can't even handle your Bankai well.'_

"He's right... whether it may be in word-fight or the upcoming event." A girl's voice said.

The two men nearly jumped out of their skins when they saw Rukia behind them. Ignoring their reaction, she continued." I wouldn't have gone through all the trouble to put you where you are right now if I didn't have the same thoughts."

"Errr... What exactly do you mean by trouble, Kuchiki-san?" Ikkaku asked, very much intrigued.

"Let's just say I pulled a few strings."

"And what are those exactly?" Renji demanded. _There's something suspicious about this._' He thought. He could sense it. '_We have been friends for a long time and if I know Rukia, she can be such an imp whenever she feels like it_.'

"Can both of you stop this interrogation and just trust me instead?" The short girl asked them, getting annoyed by the minute with their questioning.

"Heh... We sure do..." The guys chorused. "But we don't trust that smile on your face."

Plastered on Rukia's face was a wide, maniacal grin. The one which meant, as her child-hood friend had guessed earlier, that she has done something devious and was extremely proud of it.

---

"Oh Ken-chan! This is simply wonderful!" Yachiru squealed as she rummaged through a chest of fine men's clothing.

The lieutenant and fifth seat officer, Yumichika Ayesagawa, were picking pieces for their captain's new wardrobe. Yachiru picked out the bright, colorful ones, while the others tried to hide the pieces she had yet to find. For once in their hundreds of years if existence, they want to see their captain impeccably dressed, even for just a night.

Meantime, the captain just lay lazily on his side, an arm cushioning his head. He was unconcerned with the whole thing and bid his subordinates to do whatever they wanted as long as they didn't bother him.

"Zaraki-Taichou, please be cooperative. we just want you to look your best for the contest." Yumichika begged, as he tried to get the burly man's measurements.

"Hn..." was his only reply. Nothing interested Kenpachi Zaraki unless it concerned his now jagged-edged sword and carnage.

---

"Are you sure this is okay with you, Taichou?" Hisagi asked uncertainly for the 3rd time that day.

Tousen turned away from the book he was 'reading' (he was using a Braille book, duh!).

"Don't get yourself worked up. I wouldn't have ordered our men to nominate you if it wasn't alright with me."

The lieutenant opened his mouth to protest, but the captain didn't let him.

"Besides, If I win i won't enjoy Hawaii as much without my eyesight. Remember you're in this contest not only for yourself but also for your squad. it is our pride and honor if you win. So do your best and fight fair. The whole squad is behind you."

"Yes sir..."

"Run along now, you still have to collect the illustrations you commissioned Rukia to do. Deadline for the printing press is at four."

---

Komamura was distracted. He has been thinking of a special talent that he could present on talent competition night.

Sadly, he couldn't think of any. As far as he was concerned, he had no special talent. But if he could only use his bankai, the giant armored samurai, and command it to do tricks or whatever to entertain the judges, then his problem would be solved.

_'Damn, the use of kidou and Zanpaktou are forbidden in the talent portion... What now?'_ Komamura thought, opening the large wooden door.

"Is there something wrong, Taichou?" Iba asked, full of concern, noticing the canine's faraway look the moment he entered the office.

"I have no talent... I don't know how to do anything..." He answered gloomily.

The lieutenant frowned and tried to think hard of something his captain was good at. An idea suddenly hit him, something unique yet entertaining (to humans at least).

"Well sir, I heard that many human beings found dogs adorable..."

"Really?" Komamura asked, his ears standing as if in attention.

"Oh yes! Especially those that are able to perform tricks, like those in the puppy shows you often watch."

"Are you making fun of me Iba?" he may not be human, but he wasn't feeble minded, immediately catching on to what Iba was trying to suggest.

"I... I was just trying to help sir..."

Komamura growled at his lieutenant, baring his hangs. Needless to say, the poor guy ran out of the office screaming.

---

Mayuri was taking an afternoon stroll with his lieutenant/ daughter. After being coped up in the laboratory for hours, he needed a bit of fresh air.

Before going out for a walk, he received a memo from the Commander-captain. it was an order which required all unrepresented squads - including the 12th squad - to cooperate with the event's planning committee (headed by Soi Fon). He discussed with Nemu his thoughts. He refused to do as told. Aside from finding the event a complete waste of time, he was never interested in Gotei 13's affairs unless it would benefit his projects.

On their way back to the headquarters, the two passed by Byakuya on the streets who just came from the Calligraphy Club's weekly meeting.

"My, my, if it isn't our future Mr. Congeniality..." The 12th captain greeted, venom dripping from his voice.

The other man raised an eyebrow and eyed him disdainfully. "What now?"

"Well... I was just telling Nemu right here that I refuse to join forces with the others for the success of your good-for-nothing contest."

"No one's forcing you," he answered coldly. "Go tell Sotaichou what you told me. As if I care."

"But you should care!" Mayuri sputtered."It has everything to do with you since you are one of the finalists and..."

Byakuya cut him off. "I get it. you're trying to pick a fight with me, because you're envious. Pathetic..." He sneered before continuing his tirade. "I would gladly relinquish my spot, but as you've seen awhile back, the people chose me over you."

"So here's a piece of advice... try to be more agreeable," In a mocking tone, he added, "because obviously you weren't blessed with charm and riches like me."

After that, Byakuya just walked away smirking to himself.

Both father and daughter stared at him, speechless with indignation.

"Arrogant bastard!" The 12th squad captain through gritted teeth, "Let's see who gets to have the last laugh."

---

What's upsetting you this time?" Aizen asked the silver-haired captain who's been hanging out in his office for almost two hours now.

"Who, me?" Gin looked up, faking his usual eerie smile. "Nothin'..."

"If that's the case, stop pacing a hole on my floor."

Ichimaru did as told and stood in a corner, arms folded across his chest. This time, he was mumbling something about skewering the 10th squad's captain for laying a finger on his 'girl'. (he was only finding a reason to get rid of Hitsugaya so he can become the new 10th squad's captain.)

"Possessed by the green-eyed monster, I suppose?" The 5th squad captain asked, smirking. "Seriously... you're even more childish than captain Shorty."

_'How dare he compare me with that maggot!'_ Gin thought resentfully as he glared at Aizen, ruby-red eyes focused dangerously on him.

Chuckling, he just said, "Fine, I take it back. Why don't we just watch something relaxing, I'm sure it would be a great help for both of us."

After pressing a few buttons on the remote, a video started to play on Aizen's 55-inch LCD television.

After a few minutes, Gin was back in good spirits. "Yer right... 'tis relaxin' and enjoyable." He said jovially.

They have just finished watching the latest Happy Tree Friends video Aizen downloaded. Both were fond watching the adorable characters gruesomely kill each other. (of course both men preferred if they were the ones doing the butchering).

---

A bunch of black-cloaked figures were huddled in the middle of a forest clearing.

It was nearing midnight when the group decided to meet-up. They had to go over their plans and make a few last minute changes. They held the meeting at an ungodly hour so as not to draw unwanted attention and suspicion from their colleagues.

"Why do we need to lie-low? The first activity is scheduled tomorrow, shouldn't we already make a move?" asked a woman's voice.

"Because this is only the beginning... And since we're the ones in-charged of this event, we have to appear unsuspecting," explained another.

"Those guys would never realize karma nipped their asses." another person piped in. The comment earned chuckles and giggles from those who were there.

"So when do we start? I can't wait!" one of them asked excitedly.

"I forgot to inform you that as the head, I'll be carrying out the first step of plan A tomorrow. Everything's ready, don't worry."

"Oh goody! I can't wait to tell the others! Ken-chan, Baldy, Yumi, Maki-maki..." The shortest among them said delightedly as she enumerated (with the help of her stubby fingers) who else should hear her story.

"It's not how you play this game!" A large-busted cloaked figure scolded. "All information are supposed to be confidential. Do you know what that means? It should only be among us!"

"Is that so? Then, it's no fun!"

The leader of the group just slapped her forehead in frustration.

* * *

**A/N: **that's all for now, nothing much happened here. But it already gives you the idea that it's not only the girls who're about to wreak havoc on the contest.


End file.
